With Homecoming approaching on Oct. 1, girls are cramming to prepare their outfits. Well, all the girls and me. See fellas, y’all just decide on your outfits two minutes before you get in your car to drive over to take pictures. But not me. That’s why they call me Mr. Steal Yo Girl. Want to get on my level? Follow these tips:

Tip 1: Get some glasses. If you already have glasses, get bigger ones. To be smart, you don’t have to actually be smart; just look smart! As Albert Einstein’s famous equation goes, S = G*B2, where S = smartness, G = glasses coefficient and B = bigness variable.

Tip 2: Lose the pants. Now, I know what you’re thinking; won’t my quads bulge out too much? And that’s where you’re so right. It’s what the guys and girls dig these days. Not only will you have your beautiful quads shine in the light of the fluorescent dance floor, but you’ll be able to do that one move you couldn’t do. That’s right, the dab.

Tip 3: Wear your dress shirt in a different way. If you want to seem stylish, you have to try new things. Switch it up! I wore my shirt backwards last year, but you can really do anything. Like, put rips in it. It’ll make you look like a tiger mauled you. ROAR! #fierce

Tip 4: Wear your tie around your waist, and act like it’s your tail. It’ll seem weird at first, but trust me: It gets even weirder. But it’s what you have to do to get on my level. Just listen to what my man said after trying my tricks.

**“Bruh, these tips got me nowhere,” said Alex Alex, a student who wants to be like me. “I think only Kunal can pull it off.”

Yeah, sorry guys. There is only one real Mr. Steal Yo Girl, and that’s me. Drop your phone numbers in the comment section below ladies. I’ll meet you for some coffee with big glasses, wearing my dress shirt backwards and a tie around my waist.

**This is a fabricated quote used for satirical purposes.